Friday, September 2, 2011

A Wilted December

Dedicated to my dad.

    I cry a lot when I think about him being gone, I know to a better place he has made his journey but goodbye I did not get to say. I miss him now and I know that there will be times that I look for him to be there and solve those problems that arise that he always knew how to handle. I knew that he was proud of me even though his words may never say that exactly, he had his way of communicating to me that I understood. I never did enough in his eyes and he always knew which buttons to push to drive me to do better even if I felt I had given my best, there is more out there and so much more you can be and accomplish, he would say. He lived here in this world for seventy-three years and did many diverse things in his time. I never knew the normal father-son relationship that so many kids have and enjoy, I was born late in his era and so much we could not do, hindered by his advanced age and physical limitations. I learned a lot from that old man and he tried to instill in me things he had come by in his life and to pass that on to maybe my kids one day. I miss him, wish I could see him and tell him that, tell him I love him and that I’m sorry for not doing with my life what he wanted, for not being the man he knew I could be. Mom left when I was three, and that was fine, dad did a very good job being mom, and always made sure we knew he loved us and would do his everything to make sure we did not hurt from the void. I hurt now remembering the times dad asked me to bring him home from the nursing facilities just so he could be at home with me, telling me how much he missed me and wishing I could get down there to see him everyday. You look back and realize that he never did ask for much, just to be wanted and loved, to be with family. I know he passed with no pain and I know he is in Heaven and still I cry and miss him, there is so much I want to do to try and please him so when he looks down he can proudly smile and say, “That’s my boy”. Dad, I’m sorry I was not there when you went home, holding your hand and let you know you were not alone, that I understood you were tired and you had made your peace with him. I would take it all back if I could dad, would have loved to have had you here for Christmas dad, I miss you. You left this world on December 02, God called his child home, what do I do now dad? I hope you found it in your heart to forgive me and that I did what I thought best when it came to your care. I am so sorry dad. December will never be the same for me, a part of me died this month with you and I will never forget that feeling or what was took from me. You!

                                                                               Mark Hall

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